Reed Kavner

10 Things I Learned from the First Episode of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’

Some television programs rot your brain. This is not the case with Jersey Shore, MTV’s documentary series that chronicles the lives of eight young men and women who relocate to the New Jersey Shore for the summer. Here are 10 things I learned from last night’s premiere episode.

1. Your name should end in a long E sound.

1a. If your name doesn’t end in a long E sound, your nickname should.

2. It’s assumed that you have a nickname. You must have one.

3. “Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” (This advice come from Ronnie, who says he doesn’t “really know what love means.”)

4. If you’re demonstrating fist pumping, check your pits for sweat stains before signing a video release.

5. Wearing a thong bikini is “a little bit more classier” than wearing a bra and and thong underpants in a jacuzzi.

5a. That is, “if you’re going to wear anything at all.”

6. There are no cell phones at The Shore, just duck phones.

6a. Duck phones are not user friendly.

7. One can be proud of their Italian heritage without knowing how to peel garlic.

8. Yelling from the roof at girls on the street is a good way to get those girls to kiss you in a jacuzzi.

9. Guido is not a pejorative term.

10. “It only takes 9 pounds of pressure to break a nose.”